


Words, Words, Words

by redhotpandas



Category: Zeroes--Scott Westerfeld
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 18:00:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12940701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redhotpandas/pseuds/redhotpandas
Summary: Scam just can't seem to stop fucking things up with the rest of the group.





	Words, Words, Words

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a goddamn pioneer for Zeroes fics  
> Why can't someone else write some like damn this took forever to write  
> And to top it off, there's no tags for this!
> 
> Anyway I hope u like this and prompts are always appreciated!

Ethan sat morosely one one of the couches near the stage of the Zeroes’ newly bought club, the Petri Dish. Everyone was busy organizing and decorating the place, but he felt too overcome with sudden waves of sadness to really be of use to anybody, or so he thought. 

Ethan sighed. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened to the group a month ago, what with re-grouping the Zeroes and meeting Kelsie and almost dying multiple times, especially almost dying in a building-demolishing explosion. 

He still couldn't believe he hadn't died yet, by the way.

Mostly, he thought back to all the times he'd fucked up in the past month, which made him start thinking about all the times he fucked up _ever,_ which made him feel even worse. Even feeling this low, Ethan still waited for someone to need help with something, because he wanted more than anything to prove he wasn't such a horrible friend. 

If the other Zeroes even considered him a friend, that is. He wouldn't have blamed them if they said he was. 

“Scam!” Chizara yelled suddenly, making him jump. “Come here!” 

As he made his way over to where she was, he thought about how Chizara seemed to dislike him the most out of the group. They all had pretty equal reasons to hate him, but she was the only one who voiced it aloud. He'd heard her on multiple occasions. Once she had actually said it to his face. So Ethan tried to tread on eggshells around her to keep her happy.

Crash handed him some technical equipment that was tangled in a bunch of wires. 

“Hold this,” she said sternly, “while I get these wires connected.” Chizara disappeared under the stand the turntables were sitting on and nearly yanked all the equipment out of his hands when she pulled the cord. 

Ethan tried his best to untangle the wires while feeding her the cord. He wanted to say something to break the tense silence, but was too afraid he'd accidentally say something hopelessly stupid. Or worse, irreparable. 

He clenched his jaw shut a little tighter, like the voice might suddenly jump out of his mouth without his control. Having a superpower like that was more of a nuisance than anything else. Using it just got him into trouble, no matter what. 

“SHIT!” Crash cried, banging her head on the underside of the table. Ethan started violently, and all the equipment he had been holding flew out of his hands and thudded to the ground.

“Ethan!”

“Fuck, sorry, I'm so--” He took a step back, only to step on what he had dropped. Crash reappeared from under the table, holding a hand to her head. She looked at him, clearly pissed as hell. 

“Ethan, just stop.” 

He obliged, and she crawled over to the damaged equipment and began to pick up the pieces. 

“Is it broken?” Ethan hesitantly asked. 

Crash sighed. “Of fucking course it’s broken.”

He shifted, uncertain as to stay, or go.

“I’ll just do it myself. Hopefully, Kelsie won’t even notice it broke.” she said tersely. Shit, that was right. He had just dropped the sound equipment for Kelsie. 

Ethan felt positively sick with guilt. Kelsie had been cooped up in her room there for a while now, still grieving the death of her father. Nobody had dared to enter, with the obvious exception of Thibault, whose presence was always very calming. She was too heartbroken to help out today, even though he knew she had wanted to. Kelsie had been the most excited about the Dish opening. She certainly didn’t need to know that Ethan had just broken all her stuff. 

He headed back to the couch, growing less and less confident about helping out every second. Ethan looked up again and saw that Chizara had found Nate, and had started complaining to him. There was an excessive amount of gesturing to where Ethan sat. 

Nate didn’t look too happy. He had spent quite a lot of money on all the stuff they needed for the Dish, and the sound equipment had probably cost around two or three grand, since they had bought the fancy stuff. Just thinking about it made his heart beat faster. 

Ethan’s breath started to come quicker and shallower. He needed to get himself outside as fast as possible, before things got too out of control. He swept his gaze around the club, making sure no one would see him leaving.  
Slowly but surely, he edged his way to the door. Right as his hand was on the knob, though, Crash spotted him. They stared at each other for a second, Ethan rooted to the spot with dread. 

“Wait! Ethan!” She started down the steps towards him. He didn’t wait to give her a chance to catch up. Ethan jerked the doorknob, inadvertently fumbling with it before slipping outside and into the alleyway just around the building. 

Breathing heavily, Ethan tried to force himself to calm down, to absolutely no avail. He found himself sitting down next to some old cardboard boxes, reaching out to shove one away. His shoulders shook, but he couldn’t bring himself to cry, not in public, even with as much of an out-of-the-way hiding spot as his would seem. 

He just couldn’t stop _thinking,_ which just made it worse. The other Zeroes already hated him enough, why couldn’t he just stop messing things up every time he was around them? He should just leave again. It’d be easier for them, anyway. But at the same time, they were his only friends. Ethan didn’t have anybody else to talk to, not really. And boy, did he need someone to talk to. Especially about what had happened over the summer.

Ethan may have not acted like it, but be felt just as sick to his stomach as Kelsie said she did when remembering the Fourth of July. Being locked in the trunk of the car, in the dark; being tied up and having no other options but to simply bide their time until the building inevitably blew up and killed him, Kelsie, and her dad? He balked at the thought. Unfortunately, Ethan didn’t think he could let anyone know he felt like that, as much as he wanted to. Feeling like that would just make him seen as a bigger coward than he already was. 

Ethan hardly noticed that he was crying; hot tears ran down his face and dripped off his chin, onto his shirt. He rested his chin on his knees, wrapping his arms around his legs. He was fine; all he had to do was slow his breathing and he’d be calm enough to go back inside in a few minutes.

Suddenly, the door next to him flew open with a loud bang. Ethan flinched hard, more than he meant to. He looked up, and saw the last possible person he would want to see him like this, Chizara. She stared at him, mouth slightly agape. He hastily swiped at his face with his sleeve, drying his tears. 

Ethan couldn’t stop his blood from boiling suddenly. All he wanted her to do was leave him be.

“Go away,” he growled, low in his throat. Her eyes widened. 

In the back of his mind, he was surprised it hadn’t been the voice that came out; he had really dodged a bullet. But, Ethan was too far gone emotionally to really care.

“Go _away!_ Get out! Get the _fuck_ out!” He was bordering on hysterical now, slamming his fists onto his thighs, seemingly punctuating his words. 

Crash inched back, horror on her face. “Ethan, stop!”

“FUCK YOU!” he shrieked, red-faced. Finally, his rage ended just as abruptly as it had began. Ethan put his face in his hands and started to quietly sob. The only relief he got was hearing Chizara close the door as she went back inside. 

Yeah, he was gonna get disowned from the group for sure.

Ethan sniffed, leaning his head back against the wall. He hoped to god that Crash wouldn’t tell the others about what she’d seen. His anxiety attacks could get really out of hand, sometimes. He started to feel guilty all over again.

A softer click of the door opening alerted him, but he didn’t look up until he felt someone sitting down next to him. Ethan opened an eye, but quickly glanced away. It was Thibault.

Ethan sighed, still tense. At least he wasn’t staring at him like Crash had been. Rather, he was staring at the wall across from them, studying it like there was no tomorrow. Great, so Ethan wasn’t the only one feeling awkward.

Before Thibault got a chance to speak, though, Ethan beat him to the chase. “Listen, I know what you’re going to say, and it’s not going to help.” 

Thibault turned towards him, but he kept going. “I know that you all don’t like me. In fact, Chizara and Flicker seem to downright _hate_ me sometimes, and I don’t blame them. I just can’t seem to do _anything_ right. I never know what to do or say, and if I do, I just end up making things worse. I’ve apologized so many times, but I don’t think any of you are ever going to get over what I said last year, and honestly? Neither am I. There's no way I could make it up to you, and you all know it.”

Ethan took in a shuddering breath. “I'm just so fucking stupid, you know?”

Upon seeing Thibault’s face, he added, “Fuck, I'm sorry. The last thing I need to do is talk more, right?” Ethan gave a dark chuckle.

Thibault frowned at him. “That sounded super depressing. But also, I don't think any of that is true.”

“Really?” Ethan sounded skeptical.

“Yeah, I mean, you only don't know what to say because for most of your life, the voice has said stuff for you. You aren't that experienced with things because the voice usually gets other people to do things for you. And that's normal, I think. We're all pretty reliant on our abilities, one way or another.”

Ethan stared at the ground, fiddling with his shoelace. “What about what I said?”

“Well, while it's true that kind of thing can't be forgiven easily--” 

Ethan winced.

“--you didn't mean it. It wasn't you that said those things. There's no way you would have ever said that if you didn't have the voice.” 

There was a moment of silence; Thibault warily waited for Ethan to answer.

Ethan sighed. “Guess I've got nothing to worry about, then. Uh, did Crash tell you to come out here, or--?”

“No, I came out myself. Don't worry, I'll make sure she doesn't talk about it.” 

Thibault slowly stood up, and offered a hand to Ethan. “Are you ready to go in now?”

Hesitantly, Ethan accepted the hand and rose to his feet. “Yeah, I feel pretty bad. I yelled at Crash when she came out here.”

“You should probably apologize,” Thibault said, instantly regretting the phrasing.

Ethan gave him a watery smile, trying not to tear up again. “Yeah, okay.”

They went inside, finally; Ethan feeling pretty ashamed still. He slowly went off to find Chizara. 

Nate suddenly came up to Thibault. “Is he okay? What happened out there?” 

“I can't say for sure, but I think Ethan had a anxiety attack. You're not going to grill him about it, are you?”

Nate grimaced. “Of course not. I would never.”

Thibault nodded, glad Nate had the right idea. He was about to get back to work, when he noticed Chizara walking toward him.  
“Where's Scam?” he asked.

“I thought he was still here with you. Why? Uh, also can I ask what's up with him?”

Thibault shook his head. “He doesn't want me to tell anyone. I told him he needed to explain himself to you, but he seems to have left.” 

He frowned. “I hope he didn't do anything stupid.” 

Thibault’s phone beeped suddenly, making him jump. He unlocked it in the blink of an eye, holding his breath until he finally made sense of the message.

It was from Scam. 

_Sorry. Had to leave. Sick._

Thibault sighed in relief. 

“What?” Crash asked. 

“He just went home.” Thibault showed her the text.

“What? But he's still supposed to help us. He's not sick.”

Thibault gave her a look. 

“Oh, right. Nevermind.” She frowned, thinking back to what she had witnessed.

He sighed. “I'll check in with him later. Believe me, he's fine now. I talked to him.”

Chizara looked skeptical, but gave him a nod.

As she walked away, Thibault couldn't help but relish in the fact that he hadn't lost anyone's attention while talking to them yet.

 

Ethan definitely didn't feel fine yet, even after he was all the way home. As soon as he got to his room, he collapsed on the bed, only stopping to take off his shoes.

Ethan buried his face into his pillow and sighed. He wished he knew how to be more likeable. He tried hard to be a good friend, and it just never seemed to work out right. 

Maybe he should just sleep, for right now. He would feel better when he woke up, probably. He would forget all about having a anxiety attack in front of Chizara and Thibault, because that was what happened; never being able to remember simple things because of his rather short attention span. 

Ethan shifted, trying to get into a more comfortable position. He felt tired, and sad, and a little apathetic, thinking about it. 

His eyelids were getting heavier and heavier, and he allowed himself to succumb to the fatigue and the softness of the mattress. 

Suddenly, he heard the sound of his mom entering his room. She gently pulled his comforter over him. Ethan sighed into his pillow. 

Right before he fell asleep, though, he remembered; he was supposed to apologize and explain to Crash about what happened. 

_Fuck it,_ he thought. 

_I was never going to remember it anyway._


End file.
